[identity profile] nrfestmod.livejournal.com posting in [community profile] nordicromance
Title: Wherever I am
Author/Artist: bigsis2mac on deviantart
Assigned prompt: DenFin: Letter
Other characters and pairings: N/A
Rating: T
Extra notes: Contains character death
Summary: Mathias (Denmark) deals with the death of Tino (Finland)


"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today..." Only twice had he heard that phrase. Once when he married him, and another when he lost him.

The man with the spiky hair sat in the pews, silently sobbing, tears streaming from his eyes. He cried, for he had lost the only thing left that mattered to him, the only thing that still believed there was good to be found in Mathias Kohler.

He remembered the man's smiles, sunny and warm. He remembered the way his eyes would light up when he talked, the way his brow would furrow when he was concentrating hard.
Mathias sat through the whole ceremony, in shock. He still found it hard to believe, that his Tino was gone. After fighting so long, wishing for death's sweet kiss that would take away his pain, Tino was getting better. After lying in hospital beds, gasping for breath, his hair falling out from the treatments, the cancerous cells that left him weak were receding, dying like he once was.

After Mathias was able to smile once, in so many years of worry, because he finally had something to hope for, Tino was taken from him. He was gone, bed as empty as Mathias's heart.

After the ceremony was over, other mourners giving their condolences to Mathias and saying their goodbyes to the body that was once Tino having left long ago, Mathias went to the casket. He stood at the edge for what felt like hours, gazing at into the oak casket, much too big for the small, frail body inside. He might have wept for his lost love, he might have begged him to come back. He might have clasped the small hand once more, and gave it a final squeeze.

Once he got home, after discarding his coat and grabbing whatever alcoholic beverage he could drink to numb himself the fastest, he went to where they used to sleep. He lie upon the white sheets, curled in upon himself. His eyes drifted around the room, before landing on a white envelope, his name scrawled across the front in a familiar script.

He opened it carefully, smiling at the contents. Inside was a picture of their first date, Tino smiling brightly at the camera while Mathias smiled a softer smile at the man next to him. Tino had always said that was his favourite picture.

There was also a white paper, with the pinched, loopy handwriting of his lover.

"Dear Mathias." It read. "If you are reading this, I am gone. Perhaps I am with god, perhaps I float through time and space. Perhaps I am here next to you." Mathias smiled at that part, having remembered the many less-than-sober debates the two had on the subject of the afterlife.

"Wherever I am, however, does not matter. What matters is I am gone. I wish I had never had a reason to write this to you. I wish I could have stayed by your side until our hair grew gray and our sight grew dim. But the fact is I am dead, and you are still alive.

"I know you will entertain thoughts of 'joining me' or something silly of that nature." His partner knew him well.

"But you cannot do that. I ask of you Mathias. Please, live for the both of us now. Do the things we said we'd do one day. Visit Scandinavia, see where our ancestors once lived. Take pictures. Make new friends. Travel the world like we said we would.

"Do not let my pass into death hinder you from life Mathias. I wouldn't want that. One day you will join me once more, and I want to hear plenty of stories about your adventures when I see you again.
"With love from above, or wherever I may be, Tino."

Mathias laughed, for the first time since Tino got sick. He laughed, wiping the tears from his eyes.

"I promise Tino." He whispered, to himself, smiling fondly, but sadly, at the letter.

That night he fell asleep, dreaming sweet dreams of dancing with Tino through the clouds, many years in the future when they met again.
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